When You Want What They Have

Written by Jackie Tinkler


“If I just diminish her somehow, look away, point out her flaws, tell others she’s really not that great, then just maybe and  not purposely, but secretly, I’ll build myself up and have the love I desire”  …Jackie Tinkler

adult back view beautiful bench

Women want to be amazing, we want to be told how wonderful, beautiful and worthy we are.   The problem is we don’t want anyone else to be too much more amazing than we are!   Why?  Because the back story is “no one loves me.”
Here is our narrative…
I feel something missing, something I truly need and desire.  I don’t really know what it is, but I see something SHE has and I think I need it. So I fix my eyes on HER and what she has (or I think she has) and what I really fear is that SHE will get the love I deserve and want.   So, I act out in my fears to get the love I want.  I now feel comforted and secure.  But, it doesn’t last because I need MORE the next day and the next. It’s impossible to keep me filled up.

What I truly need is to know the love of Christ, which has not filled my whole heart.  My identity is in something other than Him.  Now, I’m to compete and contend for the love I need and it’s exhausting.

Aren’t we fearful when we don’t feel loved? Doesn’t the scripture tell us that perfect love casts out fear?  To ease our pain, we tell ourselves a comforting story to make us feel better, one that convinces us that we need to one up or put someone else beneath us. The truth is, if we were rooted and grounded in the security and love of Christ, there is no competition because the Love of God knows no bounds and there is enough for all of us to feel full.  I know, it’s a hard realization, but we are in need of God’s far reaching marvelous love to fill our whole heart.  No more competing, no more jealousy, no more lack.


close up of padlocks hanging on heart shape






Let this scripture sink in…
Ephesians 3:17-18 ” Then, by constantly using your faith, the life of Christ will be released deep inside you and the resting place of his love will become the very source and root of your life.  Then you will be empowered to discover what every holy one experiences-the great magnitude of the astonishing love of Christ in all its dimensions.  How deeply intimate and far-reaching is his love! How enduring and inclusive it is! Endless love beyond measurement that transcends our understanding – this extravagant love pours into you until you are filled to overflowing with the fullness of God!”
Why would Paul make such a statement unless He truly experienced God’s love?
Dear friend, take heart…you are loved ENOUGH.  I would love it if today we released our whole hearts to God and asked him to fill it with a crazy love we can never understand…the only love that heals our hurt.  I promise, He will be the love of our lives!  Pray with me..
Father, release your empowering love to fill our hearts with hope. Let us not linger in this place of fear any longer.   Help us to be honest with ourselves and you as we no longer contend, compete, or fear for the gifts, talents, possessions, or beauty of others. We are built up secure and strong in your intimate love.  Where we feel lack, show us how strong and beautiful we really are! That one of  a kind girl!  You’ve given to us all the opportunity to comprehend “with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of your love. May that love grow deep in us as we feel more and more at home with ourselves and others.” 


IMG_3892Jackie Tinkler is the Co-Founder and Ministry Development Director of Something More and lives in Birmingham, Alabama. She has been ministering to women for 20 years as a Women’s Ministry Director, Counselor and Producer. She is co-writing a Women’s Small Group Study “Something Beautiful” and when not leading women to freedom can be found worshipping at Church of the Highlands, decorating her friends homes, enjoying time with her family and chocolate lab Nelson or sitting in the balcony at the Alabama Theatre.